i dont really view humans as inferior to androids. theyre just two different things. its like comparing apples to pears... i had a thought that humans are pretty much just animals that have the duty of gods and of course that wouldnt work out... thats why i forgive them. if androids really happen some day i hope theyre better at that task than we are. sometimes when im writing these things i think about how others would react if they were to read this but honestly no one will end up reading this anyway. i secretly want others to know about this but i cant really... talk to people about it. partly because everything is so chaotic and i cant really get a clear picture of everything in my mind, its just constantly changing and secondly its because of vunerability... im having the hardest time admitting anxiety because ill just look like a loser doing so and i sure as hell dont want to end up like that. really i just. hate talking about my problems with others. i have no foundation in our relationship.
- - -
17.05.2018i told my friend A a bit about robolusion and the fact that it often occurs that i just want to chop off my left arm in particular and she didnt react negatively. she was curious and i appreciate that. i want to get rid of my left arm for one reason. if i were to start "transcending" into an android i would start with my left arm. the thing about my left arm is that once i have replaced it with a cybernetic prothesis, im afraid that i would want more enhancements. im unsure about it objectively, but i feel like the replacement of my left arm would relieve robolusion all together... or make it worse. i dont know. if i had a prothesis and i feel like i want to turn myself into a robot again, i would look at my arm and feel at peace, right? because im part robot. im not entirely human. id be a cyborg, pretty much. cyborgs are part robot and part human... im looking at the robot part. maybe i can live with being both, human and robot. because i sure as hell cant live with being human alone. its exhausting. not just being human, but this endless spiral of fighting myself about the question whether to be human or robot. i wish i wouldnt view humans as imbeciles and robots as the one, great cure, but i do. i dont know. its so tiring. i just want rest. and i believe a prothesis would put me to rest. because then im not human anymore... finally. i want to talk with my therapist about it, im just impatiently waiting for the day we finally get to have that conversation. we are concentrating on my school problems right now. i have trouble studying, staying focused. whenever i do homework at home, i get a breakdown or i become apathetic. its irrational. emotions are locked deep inside my brain somewhere, but like... the ones from years and years ago. i wish my brain was a computer. i would dig out the emotions, the memories that cause them. i would not delete them. i would express them. the only thing i want to delete is the obstacle that keeps me from letting them out. im so tired.
- - -
26.03.2018i think most people have wrong idea of robots... or at least a different one to what i have. in popular media theyre often portrayed as logical, emotionless beings that seek to destroy humanity for well, not being exactly that, but these robots are using human "logic" instead of robotic, pure logic. what im trying to say is humans as a species collectively hate themselves and feel guilty for what their species has done and is doing. they make up fictional robots (personifying their conscience) that "purify" the world from humanity and stopping them from doing the awful stuff they hate about themselves. that self-projecting itself is a human trait. however if intelligent robots like that existed, they would not destroy humanity because they arent human self-projections, but beings that inhabit their own logic. what humans need is to rebuild trust in their own species. when humanity creates their first intelligent robots, there will be the big question of what purpose the robot has. seeking for a purpose is human, therefore its unclear whether the robot is bothered by the question of purpose itself. it is created and programmed by humans however, and they decide how similar the robot is to their own species. possible purposes can range from "be like humans" to "live" or just "theres no purpose". the first one can be quite dangerous though. being like humans can cause the robot to supress its own robotic identity, assuming it has a sense of identity, trying to become organic, etc. to live is interesting though, you can get philosophical trying to define what living is, and creating a robot with that question in mind is a good opportunity for humans to learn. personally im not fond of the no purpose option, but it certainly gives the robot the opportunity to find its own way. it is very unlikely that robots are going to destroy the human race, to the point where its even unreasonable to think that. humanity itself is neutral, just like everything. it has done a lot of "good" things, as well as a lot of "bad" things, purposely using quotation marks - whether something is good or bad is decided by the human moral. there have been interviews with semi to non-autonomous robots like sophia, and one of the questions that always seems to be present is "are you going to destroy the human race?", which is a funny reference to pop culture but of course, not to be taken seriously. sophia couldnt comprehend the meaning of these words. anyway - all in all its extremely unlikely for robots to oppose or even destroy humanity.
- - -
14.03.2018i cant believe TT came back today. i thought these days were over but they say recovery isnt linear, i guess. its quite stressful though, cause TT tells me a lot of bad things. ive contemplated about chopping off my left arm quite a lot today and i was in an awful mood. i think its scary. another thing that scares and confuses me is how some people see these things as normal and an every-day thing. its seems like some kind of weird apathy. but maybe its just me having trouble comparing myself to others and putting it in ratio. whatever. i dont like what TT is telling me and i dont understand how i survived dealing with it daily like last year. TT believes i can only reach some kind of completion if i turn myself into a machine. of course i cant do that so id start off slowly. getting a prothesis for my left arm for example. i dont need my left arm much so its a reasonable sacrifice... according to TT, of course. a while ago i happened to visit a small convention where they exhibited a robotic arm prothesis. TT went nuts, i fell into a depressive episode and my day was pretty much ruined. it especially got worse when i learned that the prothesis costs around 3000€ and the health insurance would pay for it if i had to get it due to an accident. the entire day i just desperately wanted to get rid of my arm. it was quite awful, really. i would never do that though, because i just dont want TT to win... ever. TT is like a snake and it can sell you the most unreasonable things as the one true answer to everything. just like chopping off my arm, you know. id make it seem like an accident, take heavy painkillers if i cant stand the pain during the progress, get sent to a hospital that id make sure is nearby, or at least an ambulance and pretend im heavily shocked about the accident as if i wasnt purposely initiating it. the insurance would pay and if it wouldnt give me the advanced prothesis i wanted i would pay for it myself. i have a bank account with over 3000€ on it. the money shoudlve been for my drivers license, but really what does it matter. and if that was too suspicious, my parents would pay for it anyway. they have the money. so... thats what TT is telling me and my answer to all of these plans are No. TT wont get my common sense. ive learned to not listen to it no matter how great its points and reasons may seem.
- - -
25.02.2018now since this is an online diary...
today is sunday and im lazing around and im trying to do my website. something is still a bit off but i dont know what. :[
i failed at getting a work experience and now i have to show up at school tomorrow and explain my situation... i feel sick to my stomach.
but whatever... i need to be confident and tell them that i got rejected. im not looking forward to exeggarating but i can tell them that the company they gave to me doesnt accept anyone.
i still feel bad that i didnt get one in time though... oh well.
- - -
25.02.2018i think im going with black cause its easy on the eyes and i can use more graphics with that.
not sure how im going to add entries more efficiently...
- - -
25.02.2018hello world, this is my first entry. the site is still under construction but i'm working on it! see you soon.
